What Story Are You Telling Yourself?

Most of us live inside a running commentary.

Sometimes it is encouraging: You have done hard things before. You can do this one too. Sometimes it is corrosive: You are not good enough. Everyone else has it together. Fake it until you make it.

That inner narration is not just “thoughts.” It is a story, repeated so often it starts to feel like a fact. And because humans act in alignment with the meaning we assign to our experiences, the story we tell ourselves quietly shapes our decisions, relationships, leadership, and well-being.

Self-talk is the moment-by-moment language you use to interpret what is happening and who you are in it. Research in cognitive psychology and neuroscience suggests that self-critical and self-affirming forms of self-talk are associated with different patterns of cognitive and emotional regulation. In other words, how you talk to yourself meaningfully influences how you think, feel, and perform.

That matters because our inner narratives often become self-fulfilling.

If the story is I am behind, you may overwork, over-explain, or avoid opportunities that could expose you. If the story is I am not as impressive as my neighbor, you may chase status instead of purpose. If the story is I have to fake it, you may present an image rather than build genuine competence and trust.

Over time, those choices do not just affect you. They affect the people around you: the tension you bring into a room, the empathy you have available, the way you respond to feedback, and the emotional safety you create for your team or family.

One of the most common inner storylines sounds like this: "I am not good enough."

This is often confused with humility, but it is better understood as a learned script. A close cousin of this narrative is impostor syndrome, the belief that one’s success is undeserved and that eventual exposure is inevitable. Scholarly reviews show that impostor feelings are widespread across professions and are associated with psychological distress, anxiety, and burnout. High-achieving individuals are often the most susceptible, not because they are underqualified, but because they internalize unrealistic standards for competence and certainty.

The story persists because repetition turns it into a lens. When you repeatedly tell yourself I am behind, your attention begins scanning for confirming evidence: job titles, comparisons, mistakes, or moments of uncertainty. This is not personal failure; it is how human attention works. Meaning guides perception.

This is why narratives like “fake it until you make it” can be double-edged. Practiced as courage before confidence, it can help people stretch into growth. Practiced as concealment, it trains people to hide learning, avoid vulnerability, and manage appearances. Over time, that version tends to increase anxiety and disconnection rather than confidence.

A more sustainable alternative is not forced positivity, but a different relationship to the story itself. Research on self-compassion shows that responding to personal struggle with understanding, perspective, and care is strongly associated with lower levels of anxiety and depression and greater emotional resilience. Self-compassion does not mean lowering standards or avoiding responsibility. It means refusing to use shame as a motivator.

Rather than replacing your inner story with slogans, the work is to replace self-criticism with honesty and care. Your goal should be not to lie to yourself, but to tell the truth in a way that allows growth instead of paralysis.

A quick self-audit: what is your story costing you?

Here are three questions that expose the hidden impact of your inner narrative:

1. What behavior does this story produce? If the story is “I’m not good enough,” does it produce over-preparing, people-pleasing, hiding, procrastination, or control?

2. What relationships does this story shape? Does it make you guarded, defensive, competitive, or emotionally unavailable?

3. Who pays for this story besides you? Your family, your coworkers, your team, your community. Not because you are “bad,” but because unexamined stories spill outward.

   
   

If the story is producing fruit you do not want, it is not a story worth rehearsing.

How to rewrite the story without lying to yourself

You do not need to invent a new personality. You need a truer frame.

Try this three-step practice:

1) Name the narrator. Give your default story a label: The Comparer. The Perfectionist. The Fraud Detector. The Never-Enough Voice. This creates distance. You are not the voice. You are the one hearing it.

2) Challenge the claim with data, not vibes. Ask: What is the evidence for this story, and what is the evidence against it? If you are a leader, include external reality: outcomes, feedback, consistency, growth over time. Many inner stories collapse when confronted with actual evidence.

3) Replace the story with a grounded, compassionate truth. Not hype. Not a slogan. A sentence you can live inside.

Examples:

• Old story: “I’m not good enough.” New story: “I am in progress, and my worth is not up for debate.”

• Old story: “My job title proves my value.” New story: “My impact and integrity matter more than my label.”

• Old story: “I have to fake it.” New story: “I can be confident and still be learning.”

This is not semantics.

The ripple effect is real

When your inner story becomes kinder and more accurate, your external life often becomes steadier:

• You take feedback without collapsing.

• You lead without posturing.

• You compete less and contribute more.

• You become safer for others to be human around.

And that is how one person’s internal narrative becomes a collective experience of trust, courage, and belonging.

Your Call to Growth

Reflection: If your closest friend spoke to themselves the way you speak to you, what would you want them to understand?

Homework (10 minutes):

1. Write your most common self-story in one sentence.

2. Underline the absolute words: always, never, everyone, no one, not enough.

3. Rewrite the sentence as a compassionate truth that you can actually believe today.

4. Repeat it once a day for a week, then note one decision you made differently because of it.

Sources

• Bravata, D. M., Watts, S. A., Keefer, A. L., Madhusudhan, D. K., Taylor, K. T., Clark, D. M., … Hagg, H. K. (2020). Prevalence, predictors, and treatment of impostor syndrome: A systematic review. Journal of General Internal Medicine, 35(4), 1252–1275. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-019-05364-1

• Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

• MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003

If this reflection resonated, take the next step by filling out the inquiry form or booking a one-on-one coaching session today to begin reshaping the stories guiding your life and leadership.